_ Lives in Process Introduction by David Powlison
Like a green tree, a child grows and keeps on growing. The Bible gives us this lovely picture of human flourishing:
The righteous flourish like the palm tree
and grow like a cedar in Lebanon . . .
They still bear fruit in old age,
They are ever full of sap and green.
Psalm 92:13, 14
Surely, one delight in being God’s child is that, whatever your chronological age, you should be evergreen. Wherever our Father is present and pruning, we continue fruitful and full of sap. It is a wondrous thing: Christian growth began on the day of your new birth, and will continue until your death day. And, if the most sober intuitions about eternal life are accurate, we will continue to grow more wise, more joyous and more loving, forever and ever. Amen.
The story that follows bears witness to a trajectory of growth. The details matter. particular things exemplify broad, life-giving principles. For starters, notice how God tailor makes growth. It matters that this man is in his 20's, that he is married, that he is married to the woman who is his wife, that he has the temperament that he does. Growth never happens in general.
Furthermore, notice how he keeps discovering things. Initial insights into a subtle attitude ripen into profound awareness of need for transformation. Notice how self-awareness and awareness of need for Christ go hand in hand. Notice how receiving Christ’s love changes what he wants himself to be as a husband. Impatience pushed his wife away; patience and kindness take her person and her concerns into his heart.
Stomping Among Lilies
Chris Carter
I find a frustration within my heart at times, subtle as it may be, that strangles the grace from simple, unguarded moments in communication with my wife. It is impatient. It expects its own way. It doesn’t have time for the gospel. This frustration is especially destructive within the vulnerability and intimacy of marriage. The following is a window into my experience amidst biblical change. I should tell you now that when you reach the end, my journey will not yet be complete, but is begun. This is the beauty of true change.
The Word of God does more than to show us how to cope. It moves us. It rearranges life in such a way as to make room for grace to enter in and actually change us.
I notice in the unguarded moments of my marriage those simple, garden variety moments that seem like any other - a certain susceptibility in my heart. Moments like making my way in the front door at home, stumbling in on an afternoon with bags in hand, my wife already home awaiting my return. Moments like a quick phone call from her during the day, when we have yet to connect since that morning. Moments like her hurried request from the other room for my help with some particular task.
Sometimes, an interaction can change from beautiful to broken in only a moment. All of a sudden I am annoyed with her for expecting my attention to questions before I can even get my keys out of the front door. All of a sudden my wife seems less of a joy on the other end of the phone as I realize how long this call is going to take. All of a sudden I feel hesitant to put down my book and run into the other room in response to her request for assistance. All of a sudden. It happens so quickly.
If you spend any time in the Word at all and you see there the grace and beauty with which it calls us to live with one another, then you cannot escape its implications for frustration. Frustration is not innocent. Consider even briefly Colossians 3:19, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them,” or Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Or consider 1 Corinthians 13:3-7, “Love is patient and kind . . . it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” Is frustration innocent in light of these descriptions of life together in marriage?
Consider now what might be the opposite of these verses. “Husbands, hold fast to your own desires, even if it means being harsh with your wives.” Or, “Husbands, love on your own terms; it is of little relevance how ‘Christ has loved you.” Or, “Love is impatient and inconsiderate. It insists on its own way; it is often irritable and resentful; it secretly rejoices when it gets what it wants through manipulation. It barely survives day to day, believes in nothing, hopes in nothing, endures nothing.” When I consider before the Lord my moments of frustration in my marriage, they look and feel much more like these latter verses than they do the former ones. The Word confronts us with the truth that frustration is not an innocent whim. It shows us that there is something fundamentally wrong in frustration. It is antithetical to love.
I began to understand that frustration deconstructs togetherness. Even when it is subtle on the outside, it is always destructive on the inside. Frustration is the experience of interpreting something or someone as an obstacle to one’s own desire, and wanting that obstacle removed or changed. When I feel this way toward my wife, I necessarily turn myself against her because she has become that obstacle. Because of this, frustration divides. And when this happens between spouses, an exclusive union between only two persons, frustration than isolates. Because I have turned on her in my heart, my wife finds herself momentarily abandoned by her friend, lover, and support.
All of a sudden I dismiss her feelings because she seems disinterested in mine. All of a sudden I complain because I am unhappy that she needs me in an “untimely” moment. All of a sudden I criticize her because she does not seem concerned to help meet my clear expectations for plans one morning. Frustration within marriage always produces disunion because, rather than fill the space between spouses with constructive, tender, grace-oriented communication, it fills the space with destructive, divisive, self-oriented dissatisfaction.
I have to ask myself this question: what motivates these recurrent moments of frustration, especially within the preciousness of marriage? What motivates frustration with someone for whom just minutes ago I would have given anything? I ask myself that question because the Word asks it of me. The Word gives us a framework for how to understand ourselves, and it reveals what is essential to our reactions, our emotions, our words: they are the product of the desires rooted within our own hearts (Matthew 15:18; Luke 6:43-45; James 3:12). In order to understand my moments of frustration, then, I cannot only observe my circumstances. I need to see what desires rule my heart in the moment of those circumstances. “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel” (James 4:1-2). God reveals that beneath my frustration that sabotages moments with my wife are many restless desires that develop in absence of love for Him. In any given moment tat I drift from love of God, a great shift takes place across every other desire in my heart. I turn inward and desire on my own terms. I desire time on my terms. I desire love on my terms. I desire control on my terms. When my heart is far from the gospel, these desires rule those moments rather than desires for the love and ways of God, and they reach the surface in reactions, emotions, and words of frustration when my wife is not willing to accommodate them.
As I wrestled with this within, I learned something further revealing: frustration isn’t necessarily loud. I began to realize the process of change would go much deeper than I had anticipated. I had experienced moments of success in being slower to communicate frustration in unguarded moments but, as outwardly calm as I was, I realized that quiet frustration existed beneath the surface. Quiet frustration is that frustration that may not give a terse response, but resents a spouse inside for expecting your attention at the moment. It wishes my wife did not want my help in the other room. It imagines what it would be like if she would wrap up this phone call sooner than later. Frustration does not have to be loud at all. It can rule us in complete silence.
This is the moment in the journey that I began to understand that biblical change-real transformation is not merely from frustration to passivity. A restraint to communicate frustration may have been the first step in change but it was not the destination. Biblical change is not a rearrangement of the situation but a transformation of the heart. The heart works in one of two directions - either self-centeredly or other centeredly. Biblical change is a transformation from the former to the latter. An other-centered heart cannot be contained by passivity; it desires to be like Christ and act in love. Biblical change not only constrains us, but also moves us. It lifts our eyes and then teaches us to love what we see. It transforms my heart toward an other-centered concern for my wife’s welfare through a patient, enduring, and safe love. It moves us away from frustration and toward its opposite, which is constructive gentleness. Biblical gentleness in marriage is to create, guard, and propagate an experience of unity, blessing, and peace for my wife. The motion from frustration to constructive gentleness is one from self-centered dividing to other-centered uniting.
Through His Word, God captures our hearts and leads us through the process of change. For me, one experience of this was in the first chapter of 1 Timothy: “But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display His perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in Him for eternal life.” (1 Timothy 1:16). Christ’s perfect patience is His evidence to me that He loves me. He calls me to love in this same manner that He loves me. The same patience gentleness and long-suffering the Lord has with me is what I am called to embody in my relationship with my wife. Christ intends that she experience Him, her true Husband, in my love for her. It broke my heart to realize how my moments of frustration obscure this ministry of mercy and love within our marriage. But what wonderful encouragement and hope the Word becomes to us, leading us in what gospel life and love look like in even the smallest unguarded moments of marriage.
Loving my wife as Christ does is only possible because of what Colossians describes in chapter 3, which I encourage you to read in entirely. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them” How can we ever be faithful to love like this verse intends? The answer is revealed earlier in the chapter. We can love like Christ because our lives are “hidden with Christ (v.3). To say we are hidden in Christ describes that we are united to Him, living in the reality of the gentleness, patience, and love in which Christ perseveres for us In this union we are made like Him so that we can “put on . . . compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another . . . above all these, put on love which binds everything together in perfect harmony: (v.12, 14), Change comes by our moment by moment life in Christ (John 14:4).
I hope you will not be discouraged to hear that this has been a rather gradual process. There remains a long way ahead. But this patient process is how the Lord chooses to change us. It is not this way in every instance, but it is for most. His patient ways with us allow change to take hold of the deepest parts of our lives. Luther writes, “We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it.” Let us also add, we are growing toward Him. This is biblical change.
Like a green tree, a child grows and keeps on growing. The Bible gives us this lovely picture of human flourishing:
The righteous flourish like the palm tree
and grow like a cedar in Lebanon . . .
They still bear fruit in old age,
They are ever full of sap and green.
Psalm 92:13, 14
Surely, one delight in being God’s child is that, whatever your chronological age, you should be evergreen. Wherever our Father is present and pruning, we continue fruitful and full of sap. It is a wondrous thing: Christian growth began on the day of your new birth, and will continue until your death day. And, if the most sober intuitions about eternal life are accurate, we will continue to grow more wise, more joyous and more loving, forever and ever. Amen.
The story that follows bears witness to a trajectory of growth. The details matter. particular things exemplify broad, life-giving principles. For starters, notice how God tailor makes growth. It matters that this man is in his 20's, that he is married, that he is married to the woman who is his wife, that he has the temperament that he does. Growth never happens in general.
Furthermore, notice how he keeps discovering things. Initial insights into a subtle attitude ripen into profound awareness of need for transformation. Notice how self-awareness and awareness of need for Christ go hand in hand. Notice how receiving Christ’s love changes what he wants himself to be as a husband. Impatience pushed his wife away; patience and kindness take her person and her concerns into his heart.
Stomping Among Lilies
Chris Carter
I find a frustration within my heart at times, subtle as it may be, that strangles the grace from simple, unguarded moments in communication with my wife. It is impatient. It expects its own way. It doesn’t have time for the gospel. This frustration is especially destructive within the vulnerability and intimacy of marriage. The following is a window into my experience amidst biblical change. I should tell you now that when you reach the end, my journey will not yet be complete, but is begun. This is the beauty of true change.
The Word of God does more than to show us how to cope. It moves us. It rearranges life in such a way as to make room for grace to enter in and actually change us.
I notice in the unguarded moments of my marriage those simple, garden variety moments that seem like any other - a certain susceptibility in my heart. Moments like making my way in the front door at home, stumbling in on an afternoon with bags in hand, my wife already home awaiting my return. Moments like a quick phone call from her during the day, when we have yet to connect since that morning. Moments like her hurried request from the other room for my help with some particular task.
Sometimes, an interaction can change from beautiful to broken in only a moment. All of a sudden I am annoyed with her for expecting my attention to questions before I can even get my keys out of the front door. All of a sudden my wife seems less of a joy on the other end of the phone as I realize how long this call is going to take. All of a sudden I feel hesitant to put down my book and run into the other room in response to her request for assistance. All of a sudden. It happens so quickly.
If you spend any time in the Word at all and you see there the grace and beauty with which it calls us to live with one another, then you cannot escape its implications for frustration. Frustration is not innocent. Consider even briefly Colossians 3:19, “Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them,” or Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Or consider 1 Corinthians 13:3-7, “Love is patient and kind . . . it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” Is frustration innocent in light of these descriptions of life together in marriage?
Consider now what might be the opposite of these verses. “Husbands, hold fast to your own desires, even if it means being harsh with your wives.” Or, “Husbands, love on your own terms; it is of little relevance how ‘Christ has loved you.” Or, “Love is impatient and inconsiderate. It insists on its own way; it is often irritable and resentful; it secretly rejoices when it gets what it wants through manipulation. It barely survives day to day, believes in nothing, hopes in nothing, endures nothing.” When I consider before the Lord my moments of frustration in my marriage, they look and feel much more like these latter verses than they do the former ones. The Word confronts us with the truth that frustration is not an innocent whim. It shows us that there is something fundamentally wrong in frustration. It is antithetical to love.
I began to understand that frustration deconstructs togetherness. Even when it is subtle on the outside, it is always destructive on the inside. Frustration is the experience of interpreting something or someone as an obstacle to one’s own desire, and wanting that obstacle removed or changed. When I feel this way toward my wife, I necessarily turn myself against her because she has become that obstacle. Because of this, frustration divides. And when this happens between spouses, an exclusive union between only two persons, frustration than isolates. Because I have turned on her in my heart, my wife finds herself momentarily abandoned by her friend, lover, and support.
All of a sudden I dismiss her feelings because she seems disinterested in mine. All of a sudden I complain because I am unhappy that she needs me in an “untimely” moment. All of a sudden I criticize her because she does not seem concerned to help meet my clear expectations for plans one morning. Frustration within marriage always produces disunion because, rather than fill the space between spouses with constructive, tender, grace-oriented communication, it fills the space with destructive, divisive, self-oriented dissatisfaction.
I have to ask myself this question: what motivates these recurrent moments of frustration, especially within the preciousness of marriage? What motivates frustration with someone for whom just minutes ago I would have given anything? I ask myself that question because the Word asks it of me. The Word gives us a framework for how to understand ourselves, and it reveals what is essential to our reactions, our emotions, our words: they are the product of the desires rooted within our own hearts (Matthew 15:18; Luke 6:43-45; James 3:12). In order to understand my moments of frustration, then, I cannot only observe my circumstances. I need to see what desires rule my heart in the moment of those circumstances. “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel” (James 4:1-2). God reveals that beneath my frustration that sabotages moments with my wife are many restless desires that develop in absence of love for Him. In any given moment tat I drift from love of God, a great shift takes place across every other desire in my heart. I turn inward and desire on my own terms. I desire time on my terms. I desire love on my terms. I desire control on my terms. When my heart is far from the gospel, these desires rule those moments rather than desires for the love and ways of God, and they reach the surface in reactions, emotions, and words of frustration when my wife is not willing to accommodate them.
As I wrestled with this within, I learned something further revealing: frustration isn’t necessarily loud. I began to realize the process of change would go much deeper than I had anticipated. I had experienced moments of success in being slower to communicate frustration in unguarded moments but, as outwardly calm as I was, I realized that quiet frustration existed beneath the surface. Quiet frustration is that frustration that may not give a terse response, but resents a spouse inside for expecting your attention at the moment. It wishes my wife did not want my help in the other room. It imagines what it would be like if she would wrap up this phone call sooner than later. Frustration does not have to be loud at all. It can rule us in complete silence.
This is the moment in the journey that I began to understand that biblical change-real transformation is not merely from frustration to passivity. A restraint to communicate frustration may have been the first step in change but it was not the destination. Biblical change is not a rearrangement of the situation but a transformation of the heart. The heart works in one of two directions - either self-centeredly or other centeredly. Biblical change is a transformation from the former to the latter. An other-centered heart cannot be contained by passivity; it desires to be like Christ and act in love. Biblical change not only constrains us, but also moves us. It lifts our eyes and then teaches us to love what we see. It transforms my heart toward an other-centered concern for my wife’s welfare through a patient, enduring, and safe love. It moves us away from frustration and toward its opposite, which is constructive gentleness. Biblical gentleness in marriage is to create, guard, and propagate an experience of unity, blessing, and peace for my wife. The motion from frustration to constructive gentleness is one from self-centered dividing to other-centered uniting.
Through His Word, God captures our hearts and leads us through the process of change. For me, one experience of this was in the first chapter of 1 Timothy: “But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display His perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in Him for eternal life.” (1 Timothy 1:16). Christ’s perfect patience is His evidence to me that He loves me. He calls me to love in this same manner that He loves me. The same patience gentleness and long-suffering the Lord has with me is what I am called to embody in my relationship with my wife. Christ intends that she experience Him, her true Husband, in my love for her. It broke my heart to realize how my moments of frustration obscure this ministry of mercy and love within our marriage. But what wonderful encouragement and hope the Word becomes to us, leading us in what gospel life and love look like in even the smallest unguarded moments of marriage.
Loving my wife as Christ does is only possible because of what Colossians describes in chapter 3, which I encourage you to read in entirely. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them” How can we ever be faithful to love like this verse intends? The answer is revealed earlier in the chapter. We can love like Christ because our lives are “hidden with Christ (v.3). To say we are hidden in Christ describes that we are united to Him, living in the reality of the gentleness, patience, and love in which Christ perseveres for us In this union we are made like Him so that we can “put on . . . compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another . . . above all these, put on love which binds everything together in perfect harmony: (v.12, 14), Change comes by our moment by moment life in Christ (John 14:4).
I hope you will not be discouraged to hear that this has been a rather gradual process. There remains a long way ahead. But this patient process is how the Lord chooses to change us. It is not this way in every instance, but it is for most. His patient ways with us allow change to take hold of the deepest parts of our lives. Luther writes, “We are not yet what we shall be, but we are growing toward it.” Let us also add, we are growing toward Him. This is biblical change.